MUSINGS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE CAN
by Mike Miller
Last Edited: March 21st, 2017 12:43 KST
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welcome to the start of a new DSL season where you come for the beer but stay for “The Pickle.”
For those of you who are new or who were too drunk last year to remember, I wanted to put together a brief introduction of who our coaches are going to be for the season. For this I have compiled a short synopsis about each coach, to give you a better idea about who we are and what kind of sh**show you might end up with.
The Mavericks - Brandon Brown
The most senior coach in the DSL*, Brandon Brown has what is essentially league tenure. No matter what he does, we can’t get rid of him. With that said, there is nary an accusation which can be laid upon him that can’t somehow be forgiven…with the exception of hailing from Canby, Oregon – the Kentucky of the Pacific Northwest.
Despite this obvious handicap, Brandon is a formidable coach, capable of orchestrating deep playoff runs with a positive team-centric environment that coaxes even the shyest of players out of their shell and into the limelight. While he is perhaps not the most follically gifted, this is easily overlooked by his effervescent enthusiasm and charming personality. Expect big things from BB this year as he looks to possibly become the new face of the DSL.
All Balls - Dustin Waters
A seasoned veteran of the DSL, Dustin is looking to escape the shame of last season logo, (wherein he LITERALLY made his team’s logo a printing of his face) and has looked to improve upon it by making this year’s logo a delectable flesh colored four-leaf clover which also happens to happily resemble an anus. No joke though, this guy knows how to get serious on the diamond. Regardless of what you might suspect from the initial outlook of his team, Dustin always finds a way to compete and hold his own come playoff time.
Said Dustin about his upcoming sixth year in the league, “I’m looking to hopefully draft someone to be the actual captain of the team.” Despite this desire to pawn his responsibilities off onto the most eager of new comers, his outlook on the season is a resound “Great!” Regarding his approach to this week’s upcoming draft he said his plan was simply to try not to embarrass himself at the opening party. Any former players who might be looking to glean from him a sense of who he might be drawing inspiration from needn’t look further than Jayo, Rob, and Dan. If you don’t know who these three pillars of the DSL are, don’t worry, you will soon enough.
Hit Squad - Murray Johnson
They call him “Mr. Nice Guy” and for good reason. Perhaps the most congenial and warm-hearted coaches of the DSL, Murray is the perfect place to land for those who are new to the DSL, unsure of themselves, or recovering from a difficult breakup. With an emphasis on having a good time while being competitive, Murray knows how to craft a team that both competes on the field while making you look forward to next week’s game, regardless of the past week’s outcome. Many consider his teams to be the perennial the “feel good story” of the league. However, it is rumored that he once made a disparaging and rather distasteful remark against a fellow DSL player but no one who is old enough to have heard the actual comment, is still around to confirm it.
Murray says his confidence in his team this year is at an all time high on account of his preseason perfect record. Once he actually drafts a team he hopes to build their confidence up, reaping the benefit of their enthusiasm both at the plate and out in the field. His inspiration for this season comes primarily from “Matthew Campbell's rise to the top of the sandwich world this past season in the DSL.” Something we hopefully all can look forward to again this year – seriously, sandwiches, please.
Dirtbags - Gregg DeVillers
Where to begin with Mr. Devillers? Perhaps we should start with his last name, which if you can pronounce it right, you are almost assured a place in the starting lineup. Gregg is what most would consider as “old-school” in the beer league sense. Though this is probably because he’s been in Korea the longest of any coach.
With both a sharp tongue and rapier wit, this is coupled with an inordinate and enviable amount of coordination when drunk. Gregg brings the whole package as a player/coach, regardless of how much he drinks. He will always field the most comprehensive lineup while still being able to make the plays. Like a Cinderella story in your March Madness pool, his team is never one to sleep on – they’re gonna compete.
Projectile Dysfunction - Kyle DeVore
In his first year as a coach in the DSL, Kyle DeVore is doing so with an impeccable pedigree, having just won the DSL championship in the previous season. Will last year’s success go to his head? Hopefully, as it does appear he has room for it. Seriously, how does that guy ever find a baseball hat that fits? Jesus, it’s like bobble-head Jesus…but all religiosity aside, playing for Kyle is almost assured to lead you to the promise land. His offensive firepower as a player is bound to be a staple for his team and provide a stable nucleus to build around.
For those looking to know a bit more about Kyle and his approach to this season, here is what he had to say. When asked to describe his outlook in one word he said, “Weregunnawinit.” One word, he said, no spaces. A pain in the a** answer but technically correct, which in the DSL, that’s as good as a ground rule double. DeVore is looking to add to his team’s prowess by drafting the players who he says “look like they should be able to dress themselves.” He did mention, however, giving preference to who have dogs.
Bakers Dozen - Kory Baker
Born out of the great white north like some kind of second-rate Wolverine, the first thing you need to know is that Kory Baker is the worst. Playing on what is sure to be a rag-tag team of heavy drinking hooligans, there are far worse fates than ending up on Kory’s inaugural squad. While perhaps the least athletic of all the coaches, mentally he is (potentially) the most formidable. Statistically speaking, Kory is the most likely to engage in psychological warfare; constantly chirping his opponents into fits of shame and bouts of eating disorders. However, playing for this mountain of man you’ll find not only the sensitive caress of his lighthearted criticisms, but you’ll find the warm and pillowy embrace of his supple bosoms.
When asked if he could share a bit of insight ‘bout his first go as manager in the DSL, Mr. Baker had this to say: “F*** you Miller, don’t tell me how to live my life.”
Cball - Chris Kuisle
Look, if you want to stand out and make spectacular plays, this is not the team for you. You can try, but your efforts will be overshadowed by this Elton John song brought to life. The moniker “Tiny Dancer” has been applied to him for a damn good reason. Surprisingly, despite his light-footed antics out in the field, he sports one of the most rugged, robust, and manly beards in the league. Seriously, the amount of testosterone this guy oozes will cause your balls to drop while at the same time his effeminate grace will make you wonder if there isn’t something more to be discovered in an androgynous lifestyle.
This is Chris’s first season as a coach in the DSL but don’t let that phase you. He’s previously taken over as the lead for the Pohang Pyros, famously captained by DSL legend Sean Rugg, so his familiarity for how to run a team is something any player will appreciate.
Beards and Beavers - Mike Miller
Lastly we have myself, which for the sake of continuity, I’ll write about in the third person. Mr. Miller is an interesting choice to lead a team this season, mostly because he is a bit of an unknown. A product of high-functioning alcoholism and a background in college athletics, his prowess as a player comes out of deep-rooted hatred for all things political. This season Miller is looking to release his frustration with the status quo by swinging hard for the fences.
Miller, who has been dubbed “the most athletic, un-athletic looking athlete,” bereft with a case of the “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s,” has the potential to catch lighting in a bottle in this, his second season of the DSL.
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*AUTHOR'S NOTE
Given the limitation of the English language and there being only so many polite ways to describe one as being "old" I erroneously worded the statement in a manner that was ambiguous in its semantic clarity.
The wording was based on the data presented in the coaching bios which do not offer delineations if years played and years coached, only years in the league, thus Mr. Brown was given the senior title.
I regret this error and will strive to uphold greater journalistic integrity going forward.
© 2007 Daegu Softball League